It's not the same
The lift in our building has been out of order now for a month. I have osteoarthritis in my knees and our flat is on the fourth floor, which means I haven’t been able to get out for a month. As a result, I’ve been unable to attend church, so I’ve had to rely on online streaming. This has enabled me to visit different churches virtually, which has been interesting but ultimately unsatisfactory.
So much of the experience is missed: sights, sounds, smells and the presence of others who share your faith. But the biggest loss is the inability to take communion. Nothing can recreate the powerful feeling of attending the Lord’s Table in person. Taking the bread and wine has, every time, generated in me an intense inner peace that online worship just can’t offer.
Consequently, the demon of doubt, sensing an opportunity, has been nipping my head, trying to worm his way in. By way of explanation, externalisation has proven to be a good technique that has served me well when dealing with obsessive compulsive disorder and depression: to think of them as demons, not an essential part of me. I think of this demon as small, weak and annoying, like a wasp at a picnic
This demon knows how much I experience imposter syndrome and I hear him mocking from the back of my mind when I pray, when I post on here, when I speak about my faith - you’re making all this up, they’re going to know you’re faking it, he says. He also whispers in my ear when I read about Christ’s miracles, the resurrection, the second coming - do you really believe this?, he asks. I do, I tell him, but sometimes I need a little extra to get rid of him. The best way I’ve found is to pray more and harder. The quiet repetition of the Jesus Prayer, a short and memorable prayer from the Orthodox tradition, is enough to send him scarpering. But I need to get back to church as soon as possible to get that extra special boost to my defences which is supplied by the Body and Blood of Christ. Pray for me.
23 Jesus said to him, ‘If you are able!—All things can be done for the one who believes.’
24 Immediately the father of the child cried out, ‘I believe; help my unbelief!’
Mark 9:23-25